My Life in the Slow Lane

eBaying, intransitive verb.

The process in which someone searches eBay for something that falls into one of the following categories:

• Something small and cheap that the person needs but they don’t have time to buy
• Something that is not needed, but the person wants it anyway
• Something large, like a new laptop or a tumble dryer

After finding an item that fits one of these categories, however,

• The person can only find bulk lots, and they really only need one night light, not a dozen
• The person lusts after the item, but ultimately they know they cannot afford it
• The person becomes so depressed at the lack of affordable laptops or tumble dryers, given their current budget constraints.

Ultimately un unfulfilling exercise, yet a popular pass time, particularly among university students.

–Sydney, 31 July 2010. A five year old remote control, whose identity is only known to the media as “DVD”, was reunited with his parents, “TV” and “VCR”, today after being abducted by a giant alien creature. The boy was taken away from his backyard on the Table Top three weeks ago.

“I’m so relieved,” said Mrs Remote. “I thought I would be the next to be abducted every time the sky got a little cloudy. And of course, I was just sick with worry for DVD every time I thought of him.”

His mother reported to police three weeks ago that she was watching her son play on the Table Top when suddenly the sky was filled with a giant cloudy shadow. “I thought it was an eclipse or something,” she said. “Then all of a sudden, and I still can’t believe this, a giant alien craft appeared in the sky. This giant thing came down, grabbed DVD around his whole body and lifted him up into the clouds!”

Artist impression of The "Hand" in the Sky and the ground cover of the Bed as described by DVD Remote.

The giant creature, reported to police by several other Table Top citizens, has since been named The “Hand” in the Sky by scientists.

After three weeks of anguish, the boy was suddenly returned to the Table Top by The “Hand” in the Sky. “It was so strange,” Mr Remote told reporters, “because I was standing in exactly the same spot as VCR was when she saw DVD taken when I saw the giant alien put DVD back on the Table Top.”

Police and child psychologists have spoken to the boy to ascertain what happened to him. Not all details are clear as the boy was very shaken after his ordeal and has been admitted to hospital in intensive care for monitoring for any effects from being in the alien craft.

“We can confirm that the boy was taken to a strange land call a Bed on 15 July.” Police Constable Robitussin told reporters at a crowded press conference this afternoon. “The boy described The Bed as so vast that he could not see the edge, only the white and green striped ground, which felt like linen.

“He told us he was soon picked up by a large, brown monster that only said one word: ‘miaow’. The monster tortured the boy and left him for dead in a dark crevice at the edge of The Bed. The boy was trapped in a crevice barely wider than himself, with green and white striped linen-like walls for three weeks, without any food and water.

“Scientists have told us that the monster is called a ‘Cat’. This particular type, a ‘Midnight Cat’, is believed to be particularly dangerous and clever. It kept poking the boy with a giant paw as big as the boy’s head and making its war-cry sound. Soon the boy would have been delirious from dehydration and eventually he would have passed out into a kind of dreamless sleep from the shock.

“One day, he woke from his delirious sleep because The Hand in The Sky had slithered down the crevice, grabbed him in the same way as the day he was abducted, and returned the boy to the Table Top.”

“We’re just so glad to have him back, but we’re extremely worried about the hand coming back again for one of us!” his parents told reporters. “And of course, we’re worried because we don’t know what damage the Hand or the monster have done to him, psychologically, I mean.”

Hospital staff labelled the boy’s condition as serious, but they are hopeful for a full recovery.

Photograph provided to the media by astronomers from the Table Top Observatory.

RELATED NEWS AND IMAGES

• Twenty youths are alive after attempting to have themselves abducted by The “Hand”. Police believe the youths are connected with a group calling itself “The Church of The Hand in the Sky”.
• Verbal slanging match between members of “The Church of The Hand in the Sky” and angry mothers at a local primary school.
• Newly founded “Church of The Hand in the Sky” denied church tax exemption by the Australian Tax Office.
• Family advocacy groups have condemned The Church of The Hand in the Sky as a cult.
• Astronomers allege they have photographic proof of The “Midnight Cat” attacking The “Hand” (see related photo).

I’m having a sick day today.  I got half way to work and thought better of it; my head was pounding, my nose was blocked and I felt like crap.  I turned around, went home, and went straight to bed.

This afternoon I got up and made some cookies, because I figured I needed some comfort food.  They are so tasty, and so easy to make that even I can’t fuck it up.

Chewy Peanut Butter and Macadamia Cookies

Ingredients:

• 100g margarine or butter, room temp
• 125g crunchy peanut butter, room temp
• 1 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla essence
• 1/2 cup crushed, unsalted macadamia nuts
• 1.75 cups self raising flour, sifted

Method

• Preheat oven to 180 degrees (my oven is an electric convection, so adjust accordingly for fan-forced or gas).
• Beat butter, peanut butter and brown sugar until creamy.
• Add the egg, vanilla essence and macadamia nuts and mix well.
• Gradually fold in the flour and mix until well combined.
• Roll heaped teaspoonfulls into balls and place on lined trays, making sure you leave room for them to spread a little. Flatten them slightly with a fork.
• Bake for 10-15 minutes, until golden. I found I had to swap the trays around after the half-way mark to make sure they cooked at the same rate.   Don’t overcook or they will lose the chewy texture (though you could also leave them in for an extra 5 mins for a more solid short-bread texture).
• Remove trays from the oven and cover with a teatowel for 10 mins to give them a chance to harden before placing on a place or wire rack to cool.

Recipe adapted from BarefootBride’s recipe on Good Recipes.

I’ve been meaning to write something on here all week. You know, part of the whole “I’m going to post more” ethos. I think the trick is short posts, more often. Of course part of the problem that cause the Great Post Gap was that I had no internet at home for about three weeks… but I am all set now, thank to my wonderful Mum who has put the account in her name since I don’t earn enough to get my own. Nothing builds self esteem like being told you can’t get an account that costs $40 a month because you don’t earn enough, oh yeah. I called Dad and asked him if I could put it in his name and he said to ask Mum, cos then she can claim on tax. She agreed it was a good idea so I got some details from her and set to work on starting the application process. I had to call back to get her license number and then again, a second time, to ask her salary and work details. “I don’t hear from you for weeks and weeks, Daniel! Then as soon as you fucken want something you’re on the phone three times in a few hours! What is this?” Ahhh I love my Mum.

Well I’m lying in bed right now. Janek will be here in ten minutes and I haven’t showered, shaved or dressed. We’re going to a dinner for his friend’s birthday. My back is not happy tonight so I don’t know how long I’ll last at the party (I’ll probably come home early and get stoned) but hey it’ll be fun nonetheless.

Anyway last week I was in essay-mode, writing about The talented Mr Ripley, a man I would quite happily never speak of (or write about) again. But the essay was completed and handed in, and then the great End-Of-Semester-Purge began: I cleaned my room. There was a serious amount of shit thrown out, but unfortunately a similar amount retained. But I found out I won’t be moving next year and should get this room allocated again so luckily I don’t need to move it all around.

Next up on the calendar: work and exams. Work is going really well and I’m really enjoying my job but finding that I don’t have enough time in the day to get everything done that needs doing and since I only work one day a week it makes things difficult when leaving something at the end of the day means leaving it until the next week. I’ve been given another day per month so I now work every Wednesday and the first Tuesday of the month as a general rule. Exams, don’t ask about them. Two exams, 12th and 17th of November. Not looking forward to them.

Well I better get going since I now have approximately one minute to get ready before Janek gets here and I have to explain myself. Hopefully the impossibly high level of my brain is excuse enough. Sorry guys, I’m not usually this out of it, it’s just been a bad week pain-wise so I’m a little strung out.

Until next time… paz, musica y mucha amor!

Stolen from Janek

Only two rules– and you MUST follow them:
1. You can only say Yes or No.
2. You aren’t allowed to explain anything unless someone asks you, so feel free to ask.

1. Taken a picture fully naked? — YES
2. Painted your room? — NO
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? — YES
4. Driven a car? — NO
5. Danced in front of your mirror? — YES
6. Have a crush? — YES
7. Been dumped? — NO
8. Stolen someone’s heart? — YES
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? — NO
10. Been in a fist fight? — NO
11. Snuck out of your house? — NO
12. Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? — YES
13. Been arrested? — NO
14. Made out with a stranger? — NO
15. Left your house without telling your parents? — NO
16. Had a crush on your neighbour? — NO
17. Ditched school to do something more fun? — YES
18. Slept in a bed with a member of the opposite sex? — YES
19. Seen someone die? — NO
20. Been on a plane? — YES
21. Kissed a picture? — YES
22. Slept in until 3? — YES
23. Love someone or miss someone right now? — YES
24. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? — YES
25. Made a snow angel? — NO
26. Played dress up? — YES
27. Cheated while playing a game? — YES
28. Been lonely? — YES
29. Fallen asleep at work/school? — YES
30. Yelled at a friend? — YES
31. Felt an earthquake? — NO
32. Touched a snake? — YES
33. Ran a red light? — NO
34. Been suspended from school? — NO
35. Had detention? — YES
36. Been in a car accident? — YES
37. Hated the way you look? — NO
38. Witnessed a crime? — NO
39. Pole danced? — NO
40. Been lost? — YES
41. Been to the opposite side of the country? — NO
42. Felt like dying? — YES
43. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? — YES
44. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? — YES
45. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? — NO
45. Sang in the shower? — NO
46. Made out in a park? — NO
47. Had a dream that you married someone? — YES
48. Glued your hand to something? — YES
49. Got your tongue stuck to a pole? — NO
50. Ever gone to school partially naked? — YES
51. Been a cheerleader? — NO
52. Sat on a roof top? — NO
53. Didn’t take a shower for a week? — YES
54. Too scared to watch scary movies alone? — YES
55. Played chicken? — NO
56. Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on? — NO
57. Been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? — YES
58. Been easily amused? — YES
59. Mooned/flashed someone? — NO
60. Cheated on a test? — YES
61. Forgotten someone’s name? — YES
62. Slept naked? — YES
63. Gone skinny dipping? — NO
64. Blacked out from drinking? — YES
65. Played a prank on someone? — YES
66. Gone to a late night movie? — NO
67. Looked at your reflection as you walked past a window? — YES
68. Failed a class? — NO
69. Choked on something you’re not supposed to eat? — NO
70. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? — NO
71. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? — NO
72. Thrown strange objects? — NO
73. Felt like killing someone? — YES
74. Felt like running away? — YES
75. Have you ever ran away? — NO
76. Made a parent cry? — YES
77. Cried over someone? — YES
78. Had sex more than 3 times in one day? — YES
79. Dated someone more than once? — NO
80. Had/Have a dog? — NO
81. Own an instrument? — NO
82. Been in a band/orchestra? — NO
83. Drank 25 sodas in a day? — NO
84. Broken a CD? — YES
85. Shot a gun? — NO
86. Had feelings for one of your best/good friends? — YES

Yes – 45
No – 42

I’m back boys and girls. I can’t believe it’s been a month since my last post. Well, actually I can. The last three weeks have been insane. The first two were incredibly shitty, even as bad weeks go (especially as bad weeks go), but the worst part was that it was (mostly) my own fault. The last week, on the other hand, has been great. Just busy. But great. I have two essays due in the next week and a half, two assignments, a huge project at work and I just don’t have time to scratch myself anymore. Janek has been quite understanding, considering he has barely seen me in the last week, and that when he has seen me it’s either been a quick hello as I’m walking to the library and we bump into each other, or he has been relegated to the other end of the bed as I work. Frankly I don’t know whether to be glad about his level of restraint, or upset at the fact that, quite evidently, I am resistible. But enough about that…

I have a job. I won’t go into too many details but it’s a one-day-a-week position, it’s stuff I’ve (mostly) already done before on a voluntary basis, and the pay is really good considering I have no formal experience whatsoever.

Anyway. The Optimist does sleaze. Yes folks you read that right: The Optimist was working behind the bar at the sleaze ball. When he told me this, after I stopped laughing, I told him what to expect because I didn’t want the poor boy to be too shocked when he got there. The next day he was in the kitchen so I asked him how he found it. He replied “Oh yeh it was fine. I’d had it talked up to me so I wasn’t too shocked or anything. I was ok except for a sixty year old woman showing me her vagina!” It turns out the woman came up to him and said “do you want to see where I keep my sunnies?” before flashing him. Sure enough, her sunnies were on (or perhaps in, I’m not sure) her vagina. He visibly shuddered at this. He’s so cute.

I have three funny stories, all involving The Optimist, which I will probably write about in the near future (unless I decide not to, of course, because two of them involve alcohol-fuelled, incriminating behaviour, one of which involves me). Anyway I really really should get back to work (or, to be more precise, start working for the day) before Janek arrives, so I will write more later.

1. Tonight MC was in my room and she did a vanishing act. I thought she had run outside because I couldn’t find her anywhere, though I did think it was strange that she’d slipped by me so quickly through the door. I discovered her, three hours later, when I violently wrenched the bedsheets off the bed and dislodged her, a screeching “Yiaooooow” escaping her lips, nearly sending her flying from her napping place in amongst the parts of the blankets that touched the floor. She was not happy, didn’t see the joke, and especially didn’t like it when I laughed aloud.

2. Last night MC was very cuddly and she jumped on me and lay on my chest with her head wedged below my jaw, on my neck… purring so loudly. It was so cute that I took a photo with my phone and sent to Dad and Janek with the caption “There are few things quite so sublime as being in the company of an amorous cat.”

Dad’s reply read: “Especially when they purr… I won’t even go near the pussy jokes ”

To which I replied: “Oh you wouldn’t be the first. I think the most memorable was Paul… ‘Cock one night, pussy the next.’ But you probably don’t want to hear that lol”

To which he replied: “No I just stick with ‘happiness is a warm pussy’ … Whatever gets you through the night … x”

I love my Dad.

3. I was lying in bed relaxing when I heard a clattering sound coming from outside the bedroom door. It sounded like someone was beating the screen security door repeatedly with a mallet. I opened the door and discovered MC, attached to the door, halfway up, by her claws, with a sheepish look on her face. Regaining her dignity, she swiftly leapt down and entered the room gracefully when I opened the door.

4. I bought MC some Coles brand catfood a week ago. She was not impressed. She gave me that “you HAVE to be kidding, right?” look that only cats can pull off. So I bought a new pack of Whiskas on Tuesday and was amused by the fact that the packaging has “FOOD FOR CATS” on the top of it. Anyone who can pick up a box of Whiskas and think it is for human consumption is one of two things: a) someone in the market for cat flavoured biscuits (why else would the packaging have a cat on it?) or b) a moron. How can anyone mistake this for human food? Just look at the pack if you don’t believe me.

5. I noticed with equal parts of amusement and indignation the following diagram on my deodorant bottle.
The indignation was at the pervasive heteronormativity of our society. Gay men use this product too! The amusement was at the way I actually read the equation before I figured out what it is supposed to mean: LYNX + MAN = WOMAN, so if you use this deodorant, it will change you into a woman. Not what straight jock boys want to think about, I’m sure.

6. And finally, something a little bit soppy… While talking to a friend, she remarked on what a good couple Janek and I make. “When I saw you two together on Friday night and you were holding hands, you looked so cute that I just wanted to step in front of you and take a photograph!” she said. Then she added, “But that would have been a little intrusive”.

I went to dinner with Eryn & Liz the other night at Eryn’s place (though it was Liz, Sue and I who did the cooking… work that one out…) and we had fortune cookies after dinner. For as long as I can remember, we’ve always got a laugh by adding “in bed” to the end of all the fortunes…

• Happy news is on its way to you in bed.
• Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you in bed.
• An iota of practice is better than tons of teachings in bed.
• People will believe most anything that is whispered to another in bed.
• One thing you can give and still keep is your word in bed.
• Raise your sail one foot and get ten feet of wind in bed.

But as XKCD points out, these are further “improved” not by adding “in bed” but “EXCEPT in bed”…

So many days without an update… my apologies… Last week I was totally flat out with uni work, studying and the dreaded exams. Until Wednesday. When I had an exam, for which I had not studied nearly as much as I should have. Due to Janek.

Since my photo a day thing didn’t pan out, I’ve been taking photos of things only that catch my eye for being odd or funny. Here are some of the photos I’ve taken off my phone…

11 March 2008
This is me… first picture of my face on this blog… except I don’t have long hair anymore.

16 April 2008
“I’ve got a surprise for you!” Mum declared over the phone one day. “I bought you a new can opener,” she said. “Oh… um… thanks…” I stammered. “Umm… Mum… it’s not that I’m not grateful, but I already have one.” “How much did it cost?” she demanded. “I dunno, two dollars or something I think.” “Well,” Mum continued without missing a beat, “then when that dies in a week you can use the one I bought you.” Like a prophecy fulfilled, the cheap one soon died and it has been replaced by this machine of a can-opener… it is like a tank, I swear.

15 June 2008
The view from my smoking place… The door is the Space Cadet’s room… I’m going to do some kind of artwork of some kind from this photo…

18 June 2008
Candles from the Thai restaurant where Janek took me on The First Date.

24 June 2008
The Space Cadet’s CD player, at its final resting place in our garbage bin. I don’t even want to know what happened here.