The Grandparents

I have just officially come out to my grandmother. And, by extension, my grandfather.

This freaks me out no end.

On Sunday, most of the extended family (on Mum’s side) met for lunch at my grandparents’ local RSL. Sister and I travelled there together on the train (she is now living in the inner-west too) and met Mum and Dad there. Grandma and Grandpa were sitting at the table in the restaurant, waiting, when we arrived. Shortly after, my parents arrived too.

After hugs, kisses and small talk, we got down to the serious business of gift exchange. I gave Dad his card and his gift (two DVDs with more blood and guts than you can poke a stick at) and I gave Grandpa his card, explaining that being a poor student I couldn’t afford to get him a gift until pay-day on Friday, but that I would sort something out soon. The two cards were made by my friend’s boyfriend, Kristan, and featured photos of his artworks. Grandma was very impressed with the beautiful photo on Grandpa’s card, so she picked up Dad’s to have a look. Then she read inside it. I would have been a little more reluctant to show off Kristan’s artistic genius had I remembered that the card to Dad was signed from both Janek and I.

Grandma closed the card, placed it on the table and then leaned in to talk to me as privately as possible in a crowded RSL.
Grandma: So this Janek… He’s your boyfriend, yes?
Me: Ummm… yeh.
Grandma: Well I would have liked for you to tell me yourself, rather than just leave me to find out.
Me: Well I figured you already knew, or had worked it out yourself.
Grandma: Oh, Daniel, I did already know. I knew before you did! I knew when you were fifteen!
Me: Well then what’s the problem? Besides, it seems everyone knew around then except me anyway.
Grandma: Well we’re having a barbecue for Grandpa’s birthday in October. You can bring him then to meet everyone.
Me: You can meet him on Tuesday. (Grandma and I had already arranged to meet for coffee on Tuesday because she and Grandpa will be in the city)
Grandma: Oh that would be lovely.

That was the end of the conversation, as my three year old cousin successfully fought for, and won, Grandma’s attention.

As we were leaving the restaurant, Mum grabbed my hand and practically dragged me into another room and then demanded what had been said, because all she heard was Grandma use the word “boyfriend”. I relayed the conversation to her, and then repeated myself when Dad joined us and said conspiratorially, “what’s all this secrecy going on here?” I told them I was more than a little nervous about the boyfriend-meets-grandparents scenario, but they assured me it would be fine as long as all spandex, feather boas and high heels were left at home. I promised them to dress in drab colours and look disinterested like heterosexuals and they said that was the perfect look to go for. At least they have a sense of humour.

I called Grandma from the train on Monday to confirm our coffee date and confirm that Janek could make it. I then had a mild panic attack. I texted a few people in what I hope wasn’t a too transparent grope for validation and got many lovely and reassuring messages back, including one from Dad that said “Just say hi…this is janek…then ask about their day…fill up time with small talk and don’t feel compelled to explain too deeply…and smile…love you”. I wrote back and asked what he wanted me to refrain from saying, what went in where or something, but he never answered me.

Two hours later I received a voicemail from Mum saying much the same thing, that I should introduce Janek as “my friend” not “my boyfriend”, that I should relax, make sure Janek gave Grandpa a good manly, firm handshake, and whatever I do, don’t explain too deeply. I was genuinely at a loss as to what this whole explanation thing that they were so scared about was so I called her. First I told her that I was planning on introducing Janek as “This is Janek”. I said that there’s no need to qualify his relationship to me because everyone already knows he’s my boyfriend, but that I certainly wasn’t going to try to minimise it with the label of “friend” when he isn’t. I agreed with the handshake and added I would make sure he’s well dressed too. Then I asked what she meant by not explaining too deeply (leaving out the question I had asked Dad by SMS). “Well,” she said, “don’t go too much into gayness”. I laughed. I knew what she meant by the way she said it was hilarious.

So that’s where we stand at the moment. This whole business will take place at 6pm tonight. I’ll keep you all posted.