Dan’s irritating diet

Since my appointment with Dr NT, I have embarked on what I affectionately term “Dan’s irritating diet” (or, since I love acronyms so, “DID”). It is yeast free, sugar free, and largely taste free, at least in the snack department. I have to admit that while I’m not happy about it in the least, it hasn’t been as bad as I expected it to be when I was first instructed to undertake it. I do, however, reserve my birthright as a gay man to be a drama queen and complain about it. It can be summarised into three lists… each with conflicting advice.

LIST 1: Yeast free (and, it seems, mould-free)
No white bread, white flour, vinegar, mushrooms, yoghurt, mature cheeses, vegemite, alcohol, “herbal” coffees. Instead of white bread, I can have yeast-free bread (which is the size of a house-brick and about $5 a loaf) and instead of vegemite, some weird pretend-vegemite that no doubt tastes awful and is also expensive. You would also be very surprised how many biscuits, cakes and baked goods contain yeast. Very. Surprised.

LIST 2: Sugar-free (and, it seems, taste-free)
No sugar, glucose, dextrose (often used in small goods), or excess fructose (either from actual fruit, fruit juice or as an additive). So no sugar in tea or cooking, instead I have to use some kind of artificial sweetener, all of which taste like something out of a first year chem test-tube; no lollies, cakes, biscuits or regular soft drinks, instead I have to get sugar-free sweets and (gasp) diet drinks. To appease my caffeine addiction, I have been forced into the unenviable position of drinking coke zero; I don’t care what they say, you can still taste the sweetener. There is one small snag: caffeine is on list three. While shopping with Janek, he pointed out the caffeine-free, sugar-free coke. Against my better judgement, I bought a bottle. It’s probably a bit redundant to say that it tastes nothing like real coke. I’m so upset.

LIST 3: No “rheumatic” or “headache” foods
No tomato, eggplant, chili, pepper (capsicum), potato, beef/veal, citrus, kiwifruit, passionfruit. No cocoa, caffeine or peanuts. I was a little sceptical about this one to be honest, but on Friday night, in a fit of the munchies, I consumed half a jar of sun-dried tomatoes... and woke up with insane killer leg pains the next morning. I take issue with the caffeine... I may have to put my foot down with Dr NT on this one.

It’s not all bad news, I guess, I mean I’ve come up with some pretty good recipes that work within these parameters, but it’s still quite an adjustment. The sugar-and-yeast-free fruit cookies that we found are delicious (if a bit on the pricy side), and Janek has even managed to surprise me with sugar-free chocolate...

If it works, then I’ll do it with a smile and no complaining... Promise.