This is what is screaming in my head at the moment:

Our fabulous graffiti tunnel messages were whitewashed on Friday. No one quite knows why, but we know that the university hasn’t seen fit to whitewash the tunnel in quite some time. But Pride Week was fun. My back hates me, and lets me know this at every available opportunity. Consequently, I am often without the faculty of coherent speech and/or any meaningful level of typing ability or, at the very least, kinda spacey. It made its hatred plain in forcing me to leave the Queer Debut at like eleven-fucking-o’clock with back pain so strong I felt it in my stomach. I am still avoiding Sister, which is, luckily, insanely easy with her being in another state at the moment. That said, however, she’ll be back for World Youth Day and I’m sure we’ll be thrown into the same physical vicinity at one point or another. Not looking forward to that. I went to a family thing today and the Family-at-large persisted in asking me “How’s Sister doing?” I just smiled meekly and replied “I haven’t spoken to her in a while, but I imagine she’s fine”. We had fun, my baby cousins are so cute. As I trudged up the stairs to their flat, Zoe came tearing out the front door and crash tackled me into a big hug. I nearly cried. I needed that. I was looking forward to sitting down with Lala and telling her all of this but she had already left by the time I got there. While I’m sure that any resentment I now feel towards Sister will soften by July—it always does—she is not going to be pleased when she learns that I am involved in organising a workshop about gay and lesbian youth. I’ve told mum & dad about it, but I think they know better than to tell her about it, and I’m certainly not telling her until I absolutely have to. I don’t know what I think or feel about her right now. I’ve kinda shut down. Some seconds I hate her, others I love her intensely, but mostly I avoid the topic at all costs. Except in the middle of the sleepless nights, of course, when it’s no holds bar in terms of what I think about; that is when the inner demons come out to play. She’s gotten inside my head and I fucking hate it. I thought the other night what if she’s right? Where does that leave me? Or any of us? What shits me the most is that she has gotten to me at all. And I don’t want her to know she’s gotten to me.

So if I seem distant, please bear with me.