Hoy me siento tan perdido...

...I feel so lost today.

Usually when I feel this way I write in a little notebook that lives beside my bed. It contains my deepest feelings, and only gets written in at the darkest of hours. Thankfully, it hasn’t been called upon for a while. I write in Spanish (hence the title); originally to stop any prying eyes from understanding the source of my angst—at the time it was being gay—but now its party habit and partly because its romance is cathartic. I decided to do it online this time.

I feel so lost right now. I feel so empty tonight. I don’t know why. I had a good day: I went to Chatswood to help out at the Society, had a lovely lunch with friends, but as I travelled home on the train at night my upper body was wracked with spasms and neural pain shooting from one shoulder to the other. It fucking hurt. Maybe SSRIs reduce neural pain too and this is just a part of the withdrawals? I hope so.

I snapped at my sister tonight. She was upset because I had made a mistake on the Christmas card list. She always treats me like such a child. I told her “use your fucken brain” and went to my room to sulk.

The last year I’ve rode the drug merry-go-round under the direction of Dr KHS, who I am fast loosing respect for, because it’s becoming increasingly clear that he doesn’t realise how serious this is becoming.

It struck me today that this is me, emotionally speaking at least, now that I am becoming anti-depressant free. Physically, too, this is me. Despite being under the influence of a cocktail of pain killers and other assorted bits and pieces, I feel this bad.

Imagine a me that was drug-free. It’s fucking depressing.

That’s all for now. I need to lie down to ease my back.