Misery. Depression.

Tonight I feel miserable. My head pounds, my sinuses pulse, my neck, back and legs ache. I miss my Pop terribly, so much in fact that that it almost feels strangey physical. I need a hug. It probably won’t last beyond tonight, but for now, I’m miserable.

So, it’s been a shitty week. The pain has lessened, which is fantastic in a way, but on the other hand it just means things are back to “normal”, which is still no fun and still full of very real pain. I got the scan results back. No major problems, or minor ones really, just a few things pushing on other things in non-threatening ways. At least that is how it has been explained to me by a friend, who has surprised me with her knowledge of anatomy (and who I won’t persecute if she’s wrong). See, I may be miserable, but I still have a sense of humour about such things. But the point is that it isn’t showing much, except a “strawberry birthmark inside the bone itself” (again, these are my friend’s words, the report calls it something much more anatomical sounding). It also came with some pretty cool pictures.

Not only am I in pain but I’m feeling zonked and tired and really beginning to wonder how life will pan out when I can’t really do much because of pain, fatigue, nausea, or combinations of the three. How will I fare at uni next year if I get a place at the uni housing? Will I be able to cope? The logical side of my head says “of course you fucking will, quit your worrying!” but the emotional side wonders… Depression is like that: a constant battle between head and heart. In my case the head was never loud enough for the heart that steadfastly sticks its fingers in its ears and goes lalala while it wallows in its own melodramatic despair.

I’m sure that tomorrow I will feel better, I may even look back on this feeling and laugh, but for now the randomness of fate and inequality of life are weighing heavily upon my already pulsating brow. It’s an acute case of “why me?” I never get an answer, so with that somewhat mixed metaphor, I will go to sleep and try not to think of it.

Tomorrow will surely be a better day.