Memories

Funny how you can forget the bad times (or is it more a case of repressing the memory, I wonder) only to have the memories flood back when you revisit that place again.

The last 48 hours have been hell. I will spare you the unpleasant details, but to recap briefly—on Sunday my legs were killing me, due (I am guessing) to the paltry effect of the Tegretol having worn off since I stopped taking it on Saturday night. The pain was the worst it has ever been. I took as many pain killers as I could (legitimately) take but to no avail. So I double-dosed and started to feel some improvement, only to have it muted slightly by the blinding nausea the double dose brought about. The next day, Monday, I suddenly and quite inexplicably had the worst bout of diarrhoea I can remember. I’m still not sure where it came from but the point is that I couldn’t really eat much because as soon as I ate it, I shat it back out again. This continued all day and I quickly became dehydrated and weak.

By bedtime I felt very fragile. My head was finally less cloudy than it had been in weeks, which was great, but my body felt very weak. I hadn’t felt that weak in a long, long time. As I was drifting off to sleep I felt the urge to grab my teddy bear off my shelf and cuddle up to him, like the little kid I am at heart, as I fell asleep.

I remembered feeling this way, in a long forgotten time, and I remembered that I never really cuddled my teddy then… I usually lay on top of him—with him under my hip—or just had him perched on my chest with my arms by my side, because it hurt my arms having them raised above my heart when cuddling the teddy bear.

Funny what you remember, isn’t it?

PS. I discovered that I have very nearly got my six-pack back, such as it is. Which is a very dubious accomplishment, let me tell you. I never worked for it; it existed before because I lost so much weight so quickly that there was just no fat covering my abdominal muscles (again, such as they are). I’m in two minds now as to whether its reappearance is a good thing or not…