And now for something completely political.

A friend pointed me in the direction of the Australian Citizenship Test. What a load of horseshit. When I saw the ads on TV I was wary; I knew it would be bad but I had no idea it would be this bad. The test is, for all intents and purposes, a trivia quiz on arbitrary bits of information loosely assembled around the nebulous theme of Australianness. The totally maddening part of it all is that the Australia to which the test alludes doesn’t actually exist.

The test is designed, ostensibly, to choose new citizens who share Australian values. In reality, it will only serve to enshrine an outdated monocultural, jingoistic view of the Australia that certain people wish existed. Does this remind anyone else of White Australia? It didn’t work then, why should it work now? This is just a wedge to keep out “un-Australian types” and to bolster support for the coalition in the federal election, in the hope that “mainstream Australia” will vote them back into power.

I have news for you: “mainstream Australia” doesn’t exist. Shit, even “Australianness” doesn’t exist if you really think about it. Take 100 random current citizens—if we are to assume they are all “Australian”, I defy the governmental powers-that-be to find a single common thread between them. It can’t be done because of the simple fact that Australia is a nation of immigrants; we are diverse and as such we have no one single “Australian” culture. Monocultural Aussie values are myth. A friend of mine summed it up beautifully by saying that to be Australian is to desire or to believe you are Australian. Whether you believe that or not, the point is that it cannot be measured or characterised by a simple multiple choice test.

Aside from the tenuous justification for the very existence of the test, the content is another indicator of the way the government feels about “Australianness”:

Indigeneity: question 1 denies the indigenous flag, but then question 2 asserts the inhabitation of indigenous Australians for 40,000 years (a token gesture, surely). What about:

• When were Indigenous Australians granted full commonwealth voting rights in Australia, by public referendum?
  a) 1901, b) 1922, c) 1962, d) 1972.
• Which legal fiction was used to justify the British invasion of Indigenous land in 1788?
  a) terra nullius, b) tierra del fuego, c) terra firma, d) terra australis.

Trivia: questions 3, 4, 7, 10, 11, 16, 17 and 19 are trivia—name the floral emblem, a popular sport, the animals on the coat of arms, the first PM, the national anthem, the meaning of ANZAC day, the year of European arrival, and Australia’s involvement in various wars. Why not:

• Which Australian cricketer is a sleazy adulterer? a) Don Bradman, b) Ricky Ponting, c) Shane Warner, d) Glen McGrath.
  

Geographical trivia: questions 6, 19 and 20 are geographical trivia—what is the capital of Australia, how many states and what is the largest river system in the country. While these are only marginally more useful than the pure trivia, why not ask the following, to show how Australian two of our most treasured landmarks are:

• Paul Strzelecki, the explorer who “discovered” Mt Kosciuszko, named it after:
  a) a Swedish military leader, b) a Russian national hero, c) an Australian bushranger, d) a Polish national hero.
  
• Who “discovered” Uluru, formerly known as Ayer’s Rock?
  a) Chief Secretary of South Australia, Sir Henry Ayers, b) the Pitjantjatjara people, c) Paul Strzelecki, a polish explorer, d) explorer Ernest Giles.
  

Political system: questions 5, 9, 12 and 13 are about the political system. These are arguably important for new citizens to know about, so I won’t mock them too much, other than to say that they are extremely ambiguous and a little misleading.

“Australian values”: questions 14 and 15 are ludicrous. I just don’t know where to begin on these two. So how about:

• Which Australian values were displayed in the Cronulla riots in 2005?
  a) tolerance of diversity, b) mateship, c) “a fair go”, d) none of the above.
• To be granted a fair go in Australia, ie to gain legal protection and social rewards, you must be:
  a) of Anglo-celtic appearance (ie white), b) heterosexual, c) male, d) all of the above.
  
• Australia was established as:
  a) a retreat for retired English nobility, b) a penal colony, c) a community of free farmers, d) all of the above.

I just can’t believe in this day and age the powers that be are still peddling the myth of a monocultural Australia. So sad really.