The cat is out of the bag

I'm feeling a little better, though still more drug-fucked than I'd normally like. Anyway I got this email from my uncle, who for the sake of clarity we'll simply call U2 (as opposed to U1, his brother, who I'll be talking about shortly in another post). I'm about to respond but I thought I'd put it out there. At first it came off very condescending but I've realised that that is just U2's way. Not to be condescending, just that this is how he writes and thinks. Maybe it's naievety maybe its a keen desire to keep the peace but I've chosen to take this as a heart-felt congratulations from a loving uncle. I'll post my reply below.

I'm still at Lala & Cal's but I'm going home on Friday. Lala and I just watched The Matthew Shepard Story and consequently balled our eyes out. Nice day together at home which does absolutely nothing for my history essay which is due next week!

Dear Dan,

It seems your cunning plan worked – I’ve let the cat out of the bag (as you probably hoped)!

I wanted to email you to let you know that I whole heartedly support your decision to openly be who you think and feel is you. To tell the truth I’ve pretty much always though you were gay and I’ve also suspected that your CFS may be related to your suppression or denial of what you probably always felt but may not have always acknowledged to yourself or openly to others. The mind is a very power thing and it can influence your body in many powerful ways. Who am I to tell you what may or may not be with you – but I can’t help myself, it’s one of the [family] traits as you’re well aware. Ok, I’m off my soap box now.

I’ll not pretend to know what you’ve gone through to get to this point. I can imagine all sorts of things and they all point to how courageous and brave you’ve become. Being a bright, my belief system sees no ‘sin’ or ‘abnormality’, but I know that not everyone sees things the same, so you can count on me as a supporter.

So, congratulations to you on this milestone in your life.

U2

My reply:

Howdy U2,

Well you’ve figured me out. That was the plan, and it seems it worked like clockwork. But to be honest it’s not like a lot of thought or preparation went into it, it’s just that I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t give a fuck who knows or what anyone thinks anymore and this was the easiest way to get it out there with minimal effort on my part. So while I don’t give a fuck who knows, it’s so much easier when everyone just knows and I can get on with more important things. That, and the whole “sit down I have something to tell you” scenario never goes well and I just don’t have the strength to do it. Mind you, of all such experiences ultimately they all turned out well, with the possible exception of one, and I just couldn’t imagine doing a major expose on my life to the entire family when it’s really no one’s business and I suspect that it would be more of a deal to them than me anyway.

When I said “I don’t give a fuck” it’s just that I got to a point, like with anything, where the hype and the hubbub got way out of control and I realised that there was really nothing particularly to be scared of in people’s reactions (or lack of in some cases, which was actually a little trippier for me than the teary or angry ones) and I just stopped caring about the reactions and started focusing on actually living life rather than reacting to it or reacting to other people’s reactions to my life.

So yeh. Thanks for the email. I was never “worried” about you or A2 though, although “worried” isn’t the right word. But you know what I mean. I’m still kinda drug-fucked from the Tegretol so bear with me ok. I did the whole self realisation thing ages ago, so long I can’t even remember when exactly, a few years anyway. Way too late at any rate. I won’t go into the nitty gritty of why it took so long, if you want to know I’ll tell you another time. And while I don’t think suppression or denial of self caused CFS it certainly made it worse and contributed to the depression and the suicidal self-harm shit but I’m over it now.

And thanks for the congratulations, although the truth is I don’t feel very brave a lot of the time… I feel a little slow-witted sometimes (Tegretol not withstanding) for taking so long. In that it literally took a decade to get here. But I’m here. Confidentially, when I told Mum (many many months ago, or so it feels anyway, I forget the exact date, early this year at any rate) she was very upset that I had done all of this alone but the fact was I was over it by that stage, I’d done the crying and the banging my head against a wall and I’d got it out of my system. But it was all new for her, and that she was upset over issues I’d long since buried. And I had to get used to that.

Anyway just wanted to clear that up… “I don’t give a fuck” has such a harsh tone to it and while I do still mean it, I don’t mean it absolutely.
You’ll have to forgive me, I’m still very cloudy and totally clogged up from hayfever. Some people see glorious spring days, I see pollen counts.

So thanks for the support. Talk to you soon :-)

Dan