My life seems to be a constant battle between my head and my heart. For as long as I can remember I’ve been torn in a silent war of feeling one way and thinking the other or feeling one way and thinking that I shouldn’t feel that way at all.
The battle was first waged in primary school when my heart was attracted to boys while my brain told it that that was unacceptable, although it never really acknowledged the problem. As time went on, benign battles took place (I feel like chocolate/it’ll make you sick, you idiot) alongside bloodier encounters (I want to die/you have everything to live for). Initially, the heart wins. The brain, never content to be defeated, sends reinforcements of guilt to make the heart budge. Sometimes it relents; mostly it stubbornly stands its ground and lets the guilt set up house. After some time, be it days or weeks, the strong feelings of the heart diminish—until the next crisis.
When I am depressed, the tension between head and heart becomes particularly salient. I’ve used this analogy to explain how depression feels to a number of people who have never experienced it. The heart is saying life is shit, it will never get better and you would be better off dead; the brain tells you the truth, that life is bad right now but that it will get better, and you have so much to live for. Unfortunately, the heart is often stronger, or louder, or more persuasive, and its message is more readily believed.
So right now I’m torn between feeling upset and hurt by the decepción and knowing that he’s a fuckwit and I deserve better anyway.
The heart, for now, is winning.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Heart over head
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Hey Dan,
If your heart is winning, your mind will too just give yourself time..and you will be able to move on,so don't be so hard on yourself.But you know what I think you are stronger than you think you realise.I was depressed last week over friends that cut me out of there lifes back in 2003..and I came to a realisation after reading the patientmans blog! that maybe I contributed to the break!of the friendship by being over zealous within that friendship and for my own good it is best to move on and be careful from now on with my presennt and new friends and to know when to give them space.
KEEP SMILING IT'S WORTH IT
Wally is right, Dan...your head will catch up before you know it. However, I know the heartbreaking feeling that disappointment casts upon ones heart.
Being a mother, I remember thinking back to the days when I would say to my Mum, "Are you mad?" and she would say, "Not mad, just disappointed." Ouch. The thought of my Mother, my beautiful Mum being disappointed hurts so much. Now that I am an adult, I have been tarred with the disappointment brush so many times, and I have come to learn that it each of these experiences is a valuable life lesson. Five years ago, I leant someone that I trusted implicitly $300 for their rego. They swore that they would have it back the next day. The next day never happened. Or the next. "The number you are calling is disconnected..." Rigggght. That REALLY disappointed me. I was a new mother. He knew I needed that money for rent. He bailed and let me down.
This year, he contacted my parents and asked for my number. My father, being hesitant, asked for his, and passed it on to me. Being naturally intrigued and feeling those ancient feelings of pissed off-ness and disappointment, I called and he sound dapper and in good spirits. He insisted that I meet him at an accountant's firm. Now I was suspicious...I turned up as arranged, and he handed me a thick envelope and planted a huge kiss on my cheek. He profusely apologised,admitted he was fucked up and that he lived with five years of guilt for his cowardly act. He had just finished his first week as a practising accountant. He promised himself that he would "fix me up" once he got on his feet. He kept his word, and threw in an extra hundred for my son's charity.
I guess the point of my tale is...no matter how self centred your friend is, he will be having pangs of guilt, and when his next batch of friends bail out, he will be looking for the one that he cut loose. You have so many people who truly admire and adore you, and he is bitter and angry in hospital. (however deservedly.)
This too shall pass, and you will bounce back with gusto. I can feel it in me waters. xxK
just a hug from an avid reader and one who does understand, :)
Yes, the heart is a cruel mistress. Hang on in there. Reading through your blog, I can see that you've come through tougher battles and bigger disappointments before. He will probably realise his error one day, though it may take a while.
*signs name with a flourish*
I hereby grant you permission to wallow in misery for a period of 2 weeks. It is necessary, but at the same time, that is all the joy that this boy should be allowed to steal from you.
See you on the other side :)
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