Who am I?

Maybe it’s the migraines, maybe it’s the pain killers, but I am feeling very introspective today. It occurred to me that my “about me” needed some updating so I started writing a list of things to describe who I am. By the time I got to number 46 or so, I thought I may as well go the whole hog and try for 100. I hope it isn’t as self-indulgent as these things can often be.

1. I pretend that it doesn’t matter to me, but the truth is I do care what people think of me.
2. I feel sorry for Aunt Agony and Rick; they seem so unhappy and it breaks my heart.
3. I enjoy helping people, but only if they are willing to help themselves.
4. If I could change one event in my life, I probably would do it; I just wouldn’t know which to change.
5. I genuinely don’t understand people who are threatened by love between two women or two men.
6. I enjoy smoking, but I regret having started.
7. I didn’t get the real meaning of ANZAC day until this year.
8. I don’t cry often, but when I do I really cry.
9. I yearn for independence, but I miss being a child.
10. I am more a cat-person than a dog-person.
11. I believe in love at first sight, simply because it has happened to people I know.
12. I had a crush on my (female) art teacher in year 9.
13. I am not scared of spiders, snakes, rodents or insects; they just piss me off.
14. I hate being treated like a child by Sister and my mother.
15. I think I look good in brown and blue.
16. I think I could pull off wearing a pink shirt, but I’m afraid to try.
17. I’ve never broken a bone in my life.
18. I genuinely don’t understand people who believe that same-sex relationship recognition is a “special right”.
19. I had two ingrown toenails removed when I was a teenager and had a panic attack each time.
20. I can go from being secure to being wildly insecure very quickly.
21. My favourite colour is bright blue, but more on the aqua side of blue.
22. I can’t help but hate pumpkin and green beans.
23. I like Tía’s pumpkin soup recipe better than my mother’s.
24. I like Grandma’s chicken livers.
25. I hate that people use “gay” as a derogatory term, but don’t often speak up when I hear it.
26. I was most afraid of coming out to my aunt, Tía, because I was afraid of her rejection more than anyone else’s.
27. When I was little, I wanted to be a “tattooist”.
28. I loved Astro Boy when I was a kid, but I rented it on video as an adult and thought it was lame.
29. I am a little scared of Sister’s reaction to my being gay, but not as much as I used to be.
30. When I was five, I thought the (male) school captain was hot.
31. Bad use of grammar infuriates me.
32. I love reading good poetry, and secretly wish that I could write good poetry too.
33. I generally believe myself to be a good writer.
34. I generally believe myself to be a good person.
35. I carry a photo of Luke, Sam and Zoe in my wallet.
36. I truly believe in marriage, just not as a political wedge or as an elite institution, yet I respect others’ decision not to get married.
37. I can’t help but believe in God.
38. I can’t help but believe in the Catholic Church.
39. I saw my first porno magazine at the age of 10.
40. I don’t drink much, but when I do I don’t know when to stop.
41. I had a crush on Cal when I first met him.
42. I hate it when people say things like “I’m not homophobic, I just hate gays”; I would much prefer that people owned their homophobic, racist or sexist ideas.
43. I feel like the black sheep of the family.
44. I believe in the concept of “the family” being important, even though I feel stifled by my own.
45. I hate Macs, if for no other reason that their mice only have one button.
46. I love reading a good novel on cold winter nights.
47. I can knit, and I’m pretty good at it.
48. I genuinely believe my mother had no idea that I was gay; I don’t understand how, but I believe it.
49. Even though I’m 23, I still have teddy bears on my bed.
50. I genuinely don’t understand people who think that God hates me, simply because I am gay.
51. A good male singer makes my knees weak.
52. I am generally attracted to blonde surfers or dark Latino men.
53. For the first year or so, I only looked at straight porn. It didn’t occur to me that gay porn existed (or that I would like it).
54. I often wonder what life would have been like, and what I would be like, if I wasn’t sick; I wonder if I’d like myself.
55. I prefer summer to winter.
56. Increasingly, I’m ashamed to be Australian.
57. I am ¼ Spanish, ¼ Slovak, 3/8 Australian and 1/8 German; I identify more with Spain than with Slovakia or Germany.
58. I love to laugh so hard it hurts my stomach.
59. I am proud of Sister’s achievements, even though she does a lot of things I don’t agree with.
60. I wish I had a brother.
61. I am afraid of never getting better.
62. I am afraid of being alone.
63. I am afraid of having access to Luke, Sam and Zoe denied me.
64. I am afraid of the end of the world.
65. I say things without judgement; if I say “that shirt makes you look fat” I mean it as a statement of fact, not as a comment on your worth.
66. I often wonder if people love me as much as I love them.
67. I get really, really disappointed when people say they will call me and then don’t.
68. I believe in the ideal of “turn the other cheek”, but often thirst for vengeance.
69. I am comfortable in the knowledge that people who use God, the Bible and religion as a basis of hatred will get their just deserts.
70. I love Australian slang like “wig-wam for a gooses bridle”, “you’ve got Buckley’s”, “pearler” and “no flies on you”.
71. I generally believe myself to be fairly good looking, but some days I feel so ugly.
72. I generally believe myself to be fairly intelligent, but some days I feel so stupid.
73. I can’t listen to Mr Jones, by Counting Crows, without a stab of pain.
74. I vividly remember meeting Luke for the first time, but I cannot remember meeting Sam or Zoe that well.
75. Even though I’m 23, I still enjoy cuddling up with Grandma on the lounge when we watch TV together.
76. I am often embarrassed by my memory problems.
77. I try to forgive people; I think I do a pretty good job at it.
78. I am loyal to my friends and I expect nothing less in return.
79. For a long time before I accepted my sexuality, I considered myself bi even though deep down I knew that was a lie.
80. I feel comfortable swearing in front of my parents and grandparents.
81. I don’t pray as much as I’d like to, or as much as I think I should.
82. I was always good at maths but hated it.
83. I generally believe myself to be a good cook, so I don’t understand why baking cookies is beyond me.
84. I’ve lived in two houses in the same city my entire life.
85. I’ve never been overseas; the only places I want to go are Madrid, to the church in which my grandparents married, and to Rome to see the Pope.
86. I considered Pope John Paul II a third grandfather.
87. I felt personally betrayed when my uncle left my aunt for another woman.
88. I have a high pain threshold for generalised pain, but a low one for localised pain.
89. I don’t really have a favourite food.
90. I love playing monopoly, even though I’m not very good at it.
91. When I get depressed I just want to sleep and forget.
92. Of all the people I know, my grandma has the best laugh.
93. Of all the people I know, my pop has (had) the most amazing mind.
94. Of all the people I know, my cousin Lala has the biggest heart.
95. Of all the people I know, my friend Liz is most like me.
96. I love the beach but hate the ocean.
97. I probably swear a little too much.
98. I have no qualms with using the word “cunt”.
99. I wish I had the kind of skin that tanned easily, instead of burning.
100. I don’t really have a favourite band, TV show or movie; I have lists.