Trapped

Sleepy: (adj) The state of being comfortably in need of sleep or rest, often characterised by uncontrollable yawning and the eyes gently closing in the way little kids' do when they need to go to bed. This state is comfortable, warm or pleasant; either a welcome relief at the end of a busy day or a minor inconvenience in the middle of the day. When sleepy, the mind may not work properly, or it may play tricks. One is still able to function in terms of their daily activities, with some diminished capacity (for example, they may be able to read a book, but may not take in what they are reading).

Exhausted: (adj) Physically speaking, totally fucked. The state of having so little energy that one can only slump themselves into bed and not move from the first position in which they lay, regardless of how comfortable that position is. This state is uncomfortable, unpleasant and at times a little scary. When exhausted, the mind either fails to work at all (resulting in failed attempts at even the most basic of daily activities) or it might race at 100km an hour while the body is incapacitated (resulting in the person being unable to sleep because their mind keeps racing, often with thoughts about how crappy they feel). It is possible to be exhausted without being sleepy; they are two completely distinct states.

Yesterday I felt terrible. I lay down for a nap at around 5 and felt that old trapped feeling coming back. This trapped feeling, I should point out, is completely different to the feeling of being trapped inside some existential prison of not being out to the family. This is a physical prison; this is being trapped inside my own body. Readers who have (or have had) ME/CFS/fibromyalgia or who have ever suffered a migraine will be nodding their collective head right about now. For those of you who haven't experienced these things (and be thankful you haven't, niether is in the least pleasant), I'll do my best to describe it.

I lay down, got comfortable. Well, as comfortable as I could. I wasn't particularly sleepy; I was exhausted (see definitions above). I lay there, unable to move (a lot like being pinned beneath a concrete block), thinking about how I got myself into this mess. It would appear that the 9am lecture plan was not a good one after all. The rationale was noble, I even felt ok on the day, but the aftermath is just too much. The worst part about that trapped exhaustion is being aware of it. I couldn't fall asleep because I wasn't sleepy, I couldn't move because I was exhausted, and I couldn't turn my fucking mind off!

I was going to write this post last night but the whole abnormal thing came up and took precedence. This post was a lot better in my head. So much going at the moment.