I may hate you sometimes ...

... but I'll always love you.

Sister has gone to a three month residential leadership course for World Youth Day 2008. This means I can breath easily for the first time in a long time.

This song, I may hate you sometimes, by The Posies sums up our relationship beautifully. The problem with any relationship like the one between Sister and I is that it is so multi-dimensional, so multi-faceted, that it cannot easily be explained. Nonetheless, I'll give it a try.

Here we are, only been a couple of years, maybe longer.
Yes it's true, I'm no good at being the strong man, you're stronger.
But I think maybe you should take a good look at my feelings.
Can't you see I'm another one just like you, a human being?

While she's always been difficult to live with, it's only the last few years that she's been on the religious warpath. She's always been a force in this household, stronger than me by far. In many ways I am at the bottom of the food chain in this house. Usually I don't mind, to be honest, because everyone leaves me alone to do my own thing. The problem with this setup is that when I do try to assert myself, it often takes Mum and Sister by surprise. Mum and Sister always, for example, ask Dad and I to get them things--a glass of water, a piece of paper, a pen--even when they are closer to the object in question. Dad and I are the servants in this house. I could be lying in bed, resting and watching TV, and get called upon to get a drink because Sister doesn't want to get up off the lounge. I've tried to explain the disparity in this arrangement but she always gets shitty with me. So I just do it, to keep the peace. Similarly, I try to explain my point of view on more existential questions and she either doesn't get it or brushes it aside. Take, for example, the time that I stood up for gay marriage: Sister has the pope on her side, who can argue with that?

I don't want to have to sacrifice to have to get along
I don't ever want to be the one to say I'm wrong
I may hate you sometimes, but I'll always love you

So often times I just relent and say "Yes, sister, you're so right, what was I thinking? That gay people should get the same rights as everyone else? How stupid of me." I feel like a traitor to myself and to all of the gay Australians fighting for equality, but at least I won't be arguing in circles for an hour. She seems unable to see new points of view at times.

What did you say? It's so hard for me to remember what you meant.
How did it happen? Was it preconceived or a complete accident?
I still recall we were once happy together, smiling faces.
But things have changed and now you're only happy when I remember where my place is.

When we were younger we weren't a picture of perfect siblinghood: we fought over little things like any siblings do. I called her ugly, she called me stupid. We loved each other fiercely: I protected her at school when she was teased because her teeth were crooked and she let me play with her teddy bears. There are still vestiges of that childhood connection today: she is a strong advocate for ME/CFS, constantly informing her friends about it, selling merchandise to raise money for ME/CFS charities and freely giving her time to the ME/CFS Society. There's no question that Sister is a generous and compassionate person, it's the other dimension of Sister that I don't like.

I don't want to have to live up to your expectations
I don't ever want to be the one to end relations
I may hate you sometimes, but I'll always love you

That dimension is that she expects me to be like her: to believe her beliefs, the way she does, and to do things the way she does them. If I take something out of the oven using a tea-towel instead of an oven mitt she will tell me I'm doing it wrong, I should use an oven mitt. The irony is that one of the few things we have in common is our attraction to men yet that commonality is not going to be accepted with open arms. I recognise that I am part of the problem here. She expects me to believe as she does because I haven't given her cause to doubt that I do believe what she does. After years of lies and half-truths, digging myself out of this hole isn't a simple process.

Do you think you could treat me
Like somebody special
I can't be everything to everybody
Could I at least be something to you?

Few people have the ability to make me feel like shit like she does. Perhaps this is because I love her so? I'm a people-pleaser; I don't want to talk myself up too much but I do think I am a pretty selfless person. I'd much rather help others than help myself. In some ways it's a strength, in others it's a flaw. She treats me like a child. If I spill a glass of water she'll yell at me, "Daniel, be more careful!" She doesn't see that a spilt glass of water is no big deal. You just mop it up and get on with life.

Don't look so surprised, I'm a little smarter than every other weakling.
Say no more. I know exactly what you're going to say without you speaking.
A familiar phrase. I've heard it said often before, "Please forgive me"
Don't be a fool, If I can't live with myself how could you live with me?

Sister often realises she has hurt me after the fact, and asks for forgiveness. I always give it. I have no problem forgiving her, that is what you do for people you love. I just wish she would learn from her mistakes; she is always seeking forgiveness for the same transgressions. She doesn't seem to learn. But then all humans are like that, creatures of habit. I know her so well I can predict her reactions to nearly any situation. Most, that is, except the most important one of all--my coming out. I have no idea what she will say or do. I can imagine several possible scenarios, but I can't ever decide which is most likely to happen.

Now that I'm filled with emotion you're dispassionate
You only live for yourself while I live to regret
But don't ever think that I could easily forget
Because I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
I said that I would but now I know that I won't
And the chance of being right is looking kind of remote

So what to do? If I come out she will react badly. If I don't come out, I will be living in this prison of lies forever. Until recently I was willing to just let it go, tell her nothing and live in a state of semi-peace with her. But I've realised that that won't serve anyone. She will be clueless and I will be anxious all the time. It's time to grow up and be selfish for once. I need to get out of this prison of my own making and start living life for myself for once.

I may hate you sometimes but I'll always love you

So what it all boils down to is that I love her and hate her at the same time. But that's not entirely true, if I'm honest, is it? I don't hate her. I hate her actions, her beliefs, her way of doing things. I hate the way she treats me. I love the way she loves me. We are just so different that friction is inevitable. Something has to give though, and soon.

I may hate you sometimes but I'll always love you

So the plan is this: come out to Mum and Dad while she's away and then (hopefully) come out to Sister with their support once she returns. I've always wanted to tell my parents separately but I've never had a chance before. This is my golden opportunity.

No matter what happens, she will always love me. Maybe that's the problem?