Dear Rachel,

After I put my tongue back into my mouth and wiped a tear from my eye, I decided to write a post dedicated to your comment on "The fallout". Usually I wouldn't give you the time of day, but you picked the wrong post to comment on. For the last month I have been anguishing over saying those four words to my parents: "Mum, Dad, I'm gay". "The fallout" was an emotional post to write for many reasons, not the least of which is that I hate seeing my mother in such a state of pain and confusion. I wrote what I thought was an honest and emotive piece of writing and you came along and chalked up the whole painful experience to self exploitation and telling the world about my sex life. That is not what it is about at all. Allow me to enlighten you, clause-by-clause.

Clarify this for me if homosexuality is about sex,

Homosexuality is not about sex. It is about love, attraction and identity. Sex is a by-product. Not all homosexuals are sexually active (I am not) just as not all heterosexuals are sexually active (my sister is not). Furthermore, in any given relationship, the sexual practices of homosexuals are as varied as there are couples--just as in the heterosexual bedroom.

should heterosexual couples flaunt themselves in public?

I strongly object to the word "flaunt". Is a man and a woman walking down the street hand-in-hand flaunting their sexuality? Many would say "of course not". Is a man and a woman kissing in public flaunting their sexuality? Again, many would say "of course not". I am one of them. If, however, the heterosexuals who bandy around words such as "flaunt" think that by doing the same things with my boyfriend that I am "flaunting" my sexuality, then so are they. Perhaps you are referring to the boys from the television show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Are their mannerisms, voices and/or demeanours tantamount to flaunting? Would you say the same of the mannerisms, voice and/or demeanour of a straight truck driver?

Some do, some don't

Either all do or all don't. You can't have it one way for heterosexuals and the other for homosexuals.

my point is that homosexuality has been around since the beginning of time.

This is one of the few things we agree on. It has been around since the beginning of time, and thank you for acknowledging that. The point you seem to miss here is that the stigma attached to it has not existed since the beginning of time; it is a far more recent invention.

They didn't need to exploit themselves they worked, they had their personal lives and life went on.

"Exploit" is an interesting choice of verb. Dictionary.com defines exploit as "to utilize, esp. for profit". I fail to see where the profit is in being one's self. I cannot see where the profit comes in. I am assuming that you think the very act of declaring one's self a homosexual is exploitation. But to what end? To get attention. To get the shit kicked out of you. Ask Matthew Sheppard's mother if the attention was worth it.

Furthermore, you have no idea how difficult it is to grow up gay. It's all very well to say that homosexuals should go on with their lives and leave everyone else out of it, however if they did so there would be no quality of life. Life for the sake of maintaining the staus quo isn't life. I'm not trying to appeal to your emotions nor am I being all "woe is me", all I'm doing is stating a fact: life is hard when you are taunted and bullied at school, told you're sinful and immoral at church and unnatural and abnormal at home. Suicide rates among gay teenages are just astronomical. I should know, I was very nearly a statistic.

Even in the early 60's everyone knew who was who.

I doubt that very much. I admit that I have only lived in the post-Stonewall society, when homosexuality is considerably more "accepted" than it was pre-Stonewall, so my conception of what things were like then is somewhat limited, but I would argue there was higher stigmatisation and hence lower numbers of people coming out and higher numbers of people hiding their true sexuality under the guise of a heterosexual marriage for dear life.

There was a certain amount of respect.

Again, I doubt that very much. Just because something was not spoken about does not mean that it is a case of the force of "respect" at work. I'd say it was more the force of fear.

I am not trying not to offend anyone, but I think this coming out as you call it is self exploitation.

This statement, more than any other, shows you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Firstly, everyone comes out for their own reasons and in their own way; some choose not to and some cannot. Personally, I chose to come out for two primary reasons: I was sick of lying to people I love and I was sick of the distance those lies put between us. I did not do it to say "look at me, look at me", nor to say "I'm a faggot and I hope that some day I can put my dick in some guy's arse". It was not a bid to gain attention. I would much rather this whole thing went away with a minimum of fuss.

What is personal is personal

Again, you miss the point. You are correct in saying that "personal is personal", however you say it like that is a bad thing. As I said earlier, homosexuality is not about sex. If it were then you might have a point. But as it is about identity then things get messier. We live in a heterosexist world. That means that people see things in terms of the male-female binary. Not only do they see things in terms of male-female but they assume things in terms of male female. When a boy is born it is assumed he will grow up to marry a woman (or at the very least be attracted to one). If you had people making assumptions about your identity every day you would want to set the record straight too (no pun intended). Furthermore, there should be no need for coming out. It is the heterosexism of our society that necesitates it.

should heterosexual couples say that they hang from chandeliers before making love.

This statement comes in as a close second to the one above in which you demonstrate that you don't know what you are talking about. In the entire coming out process I barely touched on details of my sex life, and only then with very close friends, not with everyone. Heterosexuals do, however, tell the world the sex of their partner. Why am I not extended the same courtesy?

I think your her son first and foremost,

Absolutely. But last week I was her straight son and now I'm her gay son. The entire point of "The fallout" was that she needs time to adjust, more time and in a more profound way than I had realised on Sunday night.

being a respectable part of society is all that a mother can hope for from her children.

There is no question that being a respectable part of society is part of what a mother can hope for, but is it everything? My mother hoped for a daughter-in-law and grandchildren. Now she won't get that. The dream is dead for her.

I think a good mate of any kind is better then being in a bad relationship.

That's nice but I don't see the relevance to the case at hand.

As the mother of six, I love and respect my children for their differences not their similarities.

Presently, my mother does not love nor respect me for my difference at all. She wishes I was similar. By the sounds of it, you would too if you were in her situation. That does not mean she doesn't love or respect me. Despite her sadness and confusion I can tell she respects me for having the guts to come out to her and Dad. That said, Mum has always encouraged me to be myself, not to simply blend into the background of banality. I don't think this is quite what she had in mind but I am only doing what she has instilled in me.

I don't know who you are or how you found your way to my blog but I suggest you close your browser right now and not come back if you don't like what I say, do or am. You obviously don't know anything about the struggle involved in the coming out process or extent of heterosexist discrimination in Australia.

So thank you, Rachel, for reducing a difficult, emotional and life-changing situation down to "self exploitation".

You don't know me.