The girl walked into the house, talking quickly to her father about her day. She walked into the lounge room and her brother, who was lying in bed in his room, caught snatches of their conversation. His interest was piqued when he heard the word 'homosexual'.
"What's all this about?" her brother asked.
She came into his room and started recounting the day's events to him: "At the talk today at uni -- Cardinal Pell was talking about terrorism -- these two girls called out to him saying 'The Catholic Church are the terrorists! They oppress gay people!' After the talk they were talking to him personally. He was trying to explain that the Church doesn't oppress homosexuals. It teaches that gay marriage is wrong and homosexual acts that are wrong, but it doesn't oppress them, you know?"
Her brother nodded imperceptibly.
She didn't wait for a reply before talking again: "They were saying the Catholic Church is to blame for homophobic violence ..." He wasn't listening anymore. Inside he laughed; saw the truth in what she had said. She couldn't see the truth in it.
She had hurt him and hadn't realised. Inside he screamed at her to shut up; outside he lay in his bed, mutely pretending to listen, willing her to finish and leave him alone.
She uses the word homosexual with such clinical coldness that it cuts her brother like a knife. He would've preferred that she used faggot, fudge-packer, pillow-biter, arse-fucker; any other word. Those words show passion; when she says homosexual with such aloofness it shows no passion, no feeling. It shows that she has no idea what she's talking about.She talks to him as if he agrees with her. She doesn't know that her brother supports gay marriage; she doesn't know that her brother is gay. He's sure she doesn't. She wouldn't talk to him like that if she knew; she is naive, not cruel.
He doesn't begrudge her the right to her opinion. He knows he would be a hypocrite if he did that; he knows that telling her "you can't believe that" is as bad as her saying "you can't get married". He believes everyone has the right to their opinions, even though hers hurt him so.
He knows that when she finds out that he is gay -- and he knows it is only a matter of time -- that she will feel bad for the way she has spoken to him in the past. She won't change her mind -- her ideas are set -- but she will feel bad. Part of him wants to tell his sister, just to make her suffer as he has. Sometimes he wants to shout it at her: "I'm gay! I'm one of them!" He wants to make her feel guilty for making him feel dirty all this time.
He won't do it. He won't do it because he loves her.
4 comments ... click here to comment:
My heart is crying :(
(so much as one can without tear ducts etc)
*hug*
I still hold out some hope that she will suprise you in at least a small way. People do that sometimes.
*hug*
i feel the pain! when will we cry enough 4 people 2 c?
two nights before i came out my mates were in the hallway talking about gay guys and it wasnt pretty. I think they had just been watching BB and David had been talking about gay stuff. I had just come out to my parents but these guys are like family and it killed me to hear them talk like that.
Anyway.. two nights later I came out and things havent been better. sure they dont have to like or want to hear everything that goes on but they do not hate be because i'm gay. In fact it's made us closer.
Calla's right. you'll be surprised how people will react.
I can relate to this post on a very personal level. It's really painful to feel so alone around the people that are supposed to know and love you more than anybody else in the world. Just don't let these feelings fester for too long because this will all turn to anger. That's where I am right now, and it's far less pleasant than that loneliness I mentioned earlier.
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