The die is cast

I was going to write this entry in third person, like the previous one, but I don't have the energy or the will to do it; it's surprisingly exhausting writing it up like some detached story, rather than just saying how I feel.

We were in the car -- Dad, Sister and I -- driving home after picking Sister up from the train station. I asked her about her day. Big mistake. She told me that in her ethics class the debate topic was "Should we allow gay marriage?". The class has been doing a series of ethics debates, designed to get students to think and articulate their views coupled with learning the ethics of the various situations. Sister did hers on euthanasia.

She was telling us about the various arguments brought up in class: "they should be allowed to have the same rights as heterosexual couples", "but marriage is a sacramental covenant between a man and a woman", "they should do this", "they shouldn't do that", they, they, they. It's us against them in her mind.

Whoever said "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" obviously wasn't gay and didn't live with my sister; they were full of shit.

But unlike every other time the topic has come up, this time I didn't, couldn't, remain silent. I just quietly said "I disagree". She asked me to elaborate. I said "I hate the argument that 'allowing gay marriage will destroy the fabric of society'. If marriage is the building block of society the its just another marriage. Who cares if it's two men or two women or one of each?"

She said "I can't believe you think that way!" My father, who up until this point was silent just quietly said "yes it will". That gutted me.

She talked about marriage being a sacramental union. I said that I don't believe the Catholic Church -- or any church or religion for that matter -- holds the patent on marriage. It existed before they did.

At this point we arrived home and I walked inside, she followed me around telling me that two men or two woman can't have real love, because real love can only exist between a man and a woman; that sex between two men or two women isn't real sex, real sex is a man and a woman; that a marriage can't be a marriage without consummation and consummation means a man a woman sharing their love and their souls; that when a man and a woman fuck they face each other, signifying their love and sharing, whereas when two men fuck they don't (she hasn't seen much gay porn obviously lol); that gay marriage is a mockery of real marriage and "why should they force themselves into a heterosexual mould when they don't fit?"; that she can't believe I disagree.

I wonder if this will get her thinking about my motives for feeling this way. I suspect Dad's mind is going to be turning over and he'll figure it out.

The die is cast. I have a feeling that they will find out I'm gay very soon.

We're reaching a point of no return here. That scares me.