Today a friend asked me if I wished I was straight. It got me thinking.
I'd be lying if I answered with a categorical "no".
* * * * *
Pre-acceptance:I pray: "God, make me be normal. I don't want to be ... you know ... one of them. I like girls, really I do. You know I do. Please, Lord, make me normal, make me straight."
I say to myself: "I don't want to be ... you know ... like that. I am Catholic, Catholics can't be ... umm ... can they? Maybe they can, but that's beside the point, I'm not. Really, I'm not. I like girls. Why do I have to feel this way? That's not really a crush on that boy. He's my friend, nothing more. I enjoy his company, that's all. I can't be ... that ... I'm normal, I'm normal."
I was in denial. I didn't, couldn't, accept that I was gay. I couldn't even think the word let alone say it. So in a way wishing to be straight was mooted by the fact that I didn't accept I was gay. But on the other hand I knew I was something that wasn't normal, and for that I wished I was straight. Totally straight.
Acceptance:
I pray: "Ok Lord, so I guess you aren't going to make me straight. I know the bible says you answer every prayer you receive, so I guess my answer is no. But I don't want to be gay. So what does it mean? Does this mean it's ok to be gay? Help me understand Lord. Please. Help me."
I say to myself: "So I guess that means I'm gay then. I'm kidding myself to think I'm not. I don't like girls, not the way the other guys do. I like boys. But I'm Catholic, how does that work? Can you be both?"
I started to realise that it was ok to be gay before I started to accept that I was gay. It was a slow introspective process. It took me forever to type, let alone say, those three little words "I am gay". It took me by surprise in fact. I was on a gay chat site and someone asked me "are you gay or bi?" and I answered, without thinking, "I'm gay". Then I freaked out, logged off and cried. The process had begun.
Post-acceptance:I pray: "Thanks for the help, Lord. I couldn't have done it without you. I'm so glad I'm not stuck in that endless circle of denial. Thanks for the peace you gave me at that difficult time. I pray our politicians come to realise that being gay isn't a bad thing; show them like you showed me."
I think to myself: "So what if I'm gay, there's more to me than who I'm attracted to. I'm so much more than that. I don't know what that "so much more" is yet, but I know that I am more than the sum of all my labels ... That guy's hot."
Having come out to myself, all of my close friends (in which are counted four of my cousins who I'm closer to than the rest of the Family-at-large), and the world-at-large through this blog, the question "do I wish I was straight" becomes considerably murkier.
* * * * *
It's hard to be objective with such a subjective question. I don't deny that it would make life easier. I wouldn't be discriminated against legally by right-wing politicians with their so-called family values policies; I wouldn't run the risk of heart-break caused by being rejected by my ultra-conservative family members; but the fact remains that I can't conceive of being attracted to women, so being straight isn't very appealing apart from the legal issues. I'm happy being gay. I like being attracted to men.* * * * *
So no, I don't. I wish the world was less straight.
5 comments ... click here to comment:
Hey Dan,
I'm glad to know that someone's reading my blog, even if it's just you! :D
Just read the first entry you had here, and suffice it to say, I think my displeasure (or pleasure as you may) to deviate from the norm might have something to do with God, country and society. The taboo of being anything other than straight, has probably led me to rebel against the norm and to be anything but normal.
I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with being gay. I think it's more so those who are afraid of what they don't know or understand that causes alot of hate and issues, in general (then again I'm very, very liberal, so that might be it also).
And to your mention of Catholicism (I'm a non-practicing Catholic, for now), definitely understand your pains in that. But my arguement is, if Got made me this way, then I can't change that. God created us to be like him. We are not without fault, without imperfections, without sin. But I'm getting long winded and digressing.
My original intent was to say thank for reading my blog. We'll have to talk more in general on various topics. Quite insightful reading this entry on your blog (I'll have to read the rest of your blog). Thanks again!
fI
P.S. Can I add you to my link? ;)
My logic in regards to being gay being "ok" by God is this:
1. I prayed He would change me.
2. He said no.
3. Therefore it's ok to be gay. If it wasn't I'd be straight now.
QED. Thus it is proved.
Hey man, Thank you for sharing. It was encouraging to read your thought process. It's something I'm going through right now. I'm not sure I've quite made it to the acceptance stage yet, but I'm getting there. I am an evangelical christian who also has an ultra conservative family. I honestly can't even fathom telling them right now. Thanks for the insight.
Normal.
WTF is normal these days anyway? About the only definition I can think of is having the right number of arms and legs. Anything above and beyond is bound to be abnormal in some way, shape or form.
I am fairly abnormal to many people, completely fine to others. Who am I to say which one is the right 'normal' to aim for? And who are they to judge?
As far as I figure, NORMAL = the label you put on the specific pigeonhole in which you belong. We work with what we know and so judge others by our own standard.
You have the correct number of limbs. One head, no tail, and I haven't seen any gills. As far as I'm concerned, you are just as normal as the next bloke :)
As for the world being less straight, well ;)
Well... That topic deserves (and needs!) a long serious deep process of thinking and I don't believe I am able to make a single comment on such a text. I guess everyone of us has passed through those three steps, even if we don't trust in God. Gotta talk this in private: it needs more time.
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