Family is a state of mind

When I turned my phone on this morning I received a text message. It was from Tí­a, my Aunt (not Aunt Agony, this is a different one, this is the good aunt). It just said "Te echo de menos". I miss you.

We have a strange relationship, Tí­a and I. Not strange in the weird sense, more like special. She is the ex-wife of my Uncle, the one who left her and their four children for another woman that I spoke about here. I still remember when it happened, it was in late September 2001. It was so surreal. I think that this event was what started me thinking that my family wasn't perfect after all. Despite being related by blood to my uncle, I have always felt closer to Tí­a.

I was 17 when that happened and we've since become much closer. It's weird how things work out, because in a way their lives have become better since he left. My uncle was a very dominating presence in that house. Now that he is gone and it is her house for the first time ever, I feel more comfortable there.

We talk about everything. We laugh at everything. We have our little private jokes and I swear her kids (who are all my age by the way) think we're nuts when we get together and laugh about stupid things. I always go to stay with her in the holidays, often for a week or two at a time and I feel totally at home in her house. She is very accepting (for want of a better description) of my illness and the limitations it brings. Much more than the rest of my family. I'm not afraid to tell her I feel like shit on a regular basis because I know she won't tell me to "think positive", or to tell her that I walk with a walking stick because I know she won't tell me I'm "being silly", or that I take antidepressants because I know she won't tell me to "snap out of it". Since I've started learning Spanish we've started texting and emailing in Spanish, and I've introduced her to some Latin American bands which we both listen to when I come over (the pics are from bands we like).

When I say that we talk about everything, that's not entirely true. Tía doesn't know that I'm gay. Well actually that's not entirely true either. I know she suspects it. She has asked her daughter, my cousin Lala, about it:

Tí­a: Do you think Daniel could be gay?
Lala: Umm, yes he could be. Why? (She didn't want to say no, since I'm really not the most straight-acting guy there is lol, and saying "no" would have been a dead giveaway).
Tí­a: Just wondering, that's all.
Lala: Would it matter if he was? Would you still love him?
Tí­a: Of course it wouldn't matter! I'll always love him!

Lala tells me she was quite indignant at being asked if it would matter and swore black and blue that it wouldn't. Still part of me isn't so sure.

When I told Lala she didn't bat an eyelid. We were sitting outside, having a smoke and I was all quiet. She picked up that something was wrong and asked me:

Lala: What's up?
Me: Nothing. Well something. Nothing. Don't worry about it.
Lala: Are you sure there's nothing bothering you?
Me: Well... I just don't know how to tell you, that's all.
Lala: Tell me what? You're starting to worry me.
Me: Ok... Don't say anything to your mum or sisters or brother...
Lala: Of course I won't... What is it?
Me: I'm gay.
Lala: Oh. Ok. Here, have a drink. You look like you could use one!

And that was that. She asked me the usual questions, how did you know? do you have a boyfriend? have you ever fucked a guy? I was just so happy she didn't disown me! But then I knew that was never a possibility. To be honest there's only been three "dead certain" people - Lala, her boyfriend Cal and my friend Liz. I answered all her questions and now we're even closer than we ever were. I've got her hooked on Queer as Folk, we are constantly checking out guys and she's really become my number one fag hag.

But back to Tí­a. Despite her indignation, I know she will have a problem with me being gay. She's a Christian, the type that believes that homosexuality is a sin (that is to say that being gay isn't a sin because it's not my fault, but that homosexual acts are sinful). But I truly believe that she won't disown me. She will tell me what she believes and ask me what I think about it, from a Christian perspective. So what I'm driving at is that she will probably have a problem with my gayness but not with me, in the same way that she has a problem with the fact that Lala has moved out with Cal, and yet loves them both unconditionally and doesn't preach at them constantly about it. And that, my friends, is a very comforting thought.

On family day, the year after my uncle left her, I said "Happy family day" to Tí­a:
Me: Hi! I'm just ringing to say Happy Family day to you.
Tí­a: Thankyou darling, but I'm not really family anymore.
Me: Fuck that. Family is a state of mind.

The only reason we met is because she was married to my uncle when I was born. Since then I've gotten to know her and counted her as family. They're two completely different things.

Te echo de menos a tí­ también mi querida tí­a y te quiero mucho.