Hide and seek

It occurred to me today, as I was sitting in the backyard having a smoke, just how many "closets" I am in. What is more complicated is that each group of people in my life are aware only of certain aspects about me.

First there's THE closet. No explanation necessary there. Although I can't be that far in... 90% of people I've told just said "I know." Many I didn't have to tell, they just got it. I've only told/confirmed that I'm gay to my close friends and cousins my age, not my parents or sister or any other family. But then if I meet someone new I don't have a problem telling them, since I have nothing to loose really.

Then there's the Smoker's Closet. I only smoke at uni or when no-one is home. And only one a day, if that. I do my own washing. So as long as no one catches me in the act or finds empty cigarette packets then I'm cool. I really only smoke in front of my friends and cousins these days because everyone in my family-at-large thinks I've quit, and would swiftly kick my arse if they knew I hadn't. Which isn't to say that some of my friends wouldn't kick my arse either. But at least I am comfortable enough to tell them. You know who you are!

And then there's the most complicated of all, the Disabled closet. This one is hard to explain. Everyone knows (to some extent) that I suffer from ME/CFS. The difference is in the perception they hold (ie how bad the think it is), and how much I am willing to reveal (ie how much I will show how bad it is). So for example, if a friend or immediate family member calls me and asks how I am, I don't feel I have to lie and say "Great thanks! How are you!?" when I can just say "Shithouse. You?" I don't have that luxury with my extended family.

My extended family don't know that I often walk with a walking stick or have a disabled parking permit. They don't know how much time I spend in bed or how painful my legs get. They think that "getting on with it" will fix me right up. So I'm in the disabled closet with them because I often find myself hiding how I really feel, how sick I really am, just to avoid conflict and misunderstanding. I know that this approach causes a lot of the problems, but its so much easier than situations like the following:

I was in the car with one uncle and told him I needed to go to the chemist and that I had the parking permit (huge mistake) and he said:
Uncle: I wouldn't feel right using it.
Me: You wouldn't be using it, I would be.
Uncle: But I'm not disabled
Me: But I am
Uncle: (snorts) If I'm going to park illegally I'll do it with or without a disabled permit.

And they wonder why I get vague when they ask me personal questions.